The Problem: If You Don’t Know What You’re Looking For, Anyone Looks Perfect
Most people date with no clarity or direction. They follow feelings, culture, spark, loneliness, attraction, or whatever looks good in the moment. When you don’t know what you’re looking for, your heart’s easy to deceive. Scripture warns you to “keep your heart with all diligence” (Proverbs 4:23, NKJV). A drifting heart will call counterfeits “God’s will,” and a confused mind will mistake chemistry for compatibility.
Dating without a standard is how people end up in marriages built on sin, dysfunction, and regret. God never wants you to walk blindly. He asked you to walk wisely (Proverbs 14:15). A list is not about being picky—it’s about being clear and focused on what you want, and why you want it.
Why You Need a List Before You Date
A list forces you to slow down and think. It gives you clarity so your emotions don’t lead your decisions. When you know what matters, you stop wasting time on people who were never going to build a healthy home with you.
A list also makes you more efficient. It shapes where you spend your time, the communities you invest in, and the habits you build. Scripture calls you to “walk circumspectly… redeeming the time” (Ephesians 5:15–17). You cannot redeem time if you keep giving it to people who have no business in your future. Many Christians hide behind “waiting on God,” but God will not do the work you refuse to do. He gives wisdom, but you must use it. He gives instruction, but you must obey it. A list is part of your obedience.
Creating your own list also makes you more efficient because your list immediately filters out people who were never aligned with your future, saving you from emotional confusion and wasted months. It informs your daily habits by forcing you to live in a way that attracts the kind of person you say you want, instead of drifting through life hoping things “just happen.”
It shapes the communities where you hang out (and the places you frequent), because you start placing yourself where serious, godly, disciplined people actually are. And it breaks the lie of “waiting on God,” because God will guide you, but He will not do the thinking, choosing, or clear actions that He commanded you to do yourself.
How to Create an Effective List
A good list has three parts: dealbreakers, optionals, and the reasons behind each item.
Dealbreakers: What the Other Person Must Have
Dealbreakers are non-negotiables. If a person fails here, it is an automatic “no,” no matter how attractive, charming, or “nice” they seem. Scripture is clear: you cannot build a godly marriage with someone who rejects God’s ways (2 Corinthians 6:14). You judge a person by their fruit, not their words (Matthew 7:16–20). Examples of dealbreakers:
- Truly saved by Jesus and born again, not just “spiritual” or “church-going.”
- Living a daily lifestyle of holiness to God, i.e. pleasing God daily; not living in secret sin or double life. This includes: no vices or destructive attitudes—no anger issues, hard heart, lying, lust, laziness, violence, bitterness, stubbornness, emotional instability, etc..
- Has a steady source of income; clear on his/her career path and future, with demonstrated past and current efforts put in
- Mentally and practically prepared for marriage (either as a woman or man). That is, having the right mindsets to build a strong and healthy marriage, knowing and ready to apply the best practices of pleasing their spouse (as a wife/husband), etc.
- No unresolved past issues that could poison the marriage—family chaos, trauma, addictions, or hidden obligations.
Optionals: Nice-to-Haves, Not Essentials
Optionals are preferences. They matter, but they are not requirements. If you treat optionals like dealbreakers, you will reject good people for shallow reasons. If you treat dealbreakers like optionals, you will marry someone who damages your life. Examples of optionals:
- Height, hobbies, skin complexion, weight, specific age range, personality style, nationality/tribe/race, specific career path, last name/first name, family pedigree, fashion sense, etc. These are bonuses, not foundations. You can build a strong and healthy marriage without them.
Knowing What You Want—and Knowing Why
Every item on your list must have a reason behind it. If you want something but cannot explain why, it probably doesn’t belong on your list. Many people want marriage for shallow reasons—loneliness, pressure, image, or fear. Those motives produce bad lists and worse marriages.
Your “why” must be rooted in building a strong, healthy, God-honoring home. Marriage is not for vibes. It is for purpose, holiness, companionship, and raising godly children (Malachi 2:15). If your reasons are wrong, your list will produce shallow results.
What Your List Should Actually Look Like
A great list is short, clear and focused. It keeps the main thing the main thing. It is not a fantasy or Disney-dreamland checklist of 50 traits that are not important for building a strong & healthy marriage. It is a clear standard built on Scripture and wisdom. A good list includes:
- A few critical dealbreakers (3–7) that define the foundation of a godly marriage.
- A few optionals that reflect your preferences without becoming idols. Every item should be practical and tied to real behavior. “Godly” is not enough—what does that look like? “Respectful” is not enough—how do they show it? “Hardworking” is not enough—what evidence do you see? You must know what you want and why you want it. Vague desires produce vague decisions.
How Your List Should Shape Your Daily Life
Your list is not just something you write—it is something you live out.
It changes who you choose to deeply engage with, who you reject, and who you give access to. It changes where you spend your time – online, offline. If you want someone serious about God, you cannot spend your life in places where unserious people gather. If you want someone living a lifestyle of daily holiness to God, you cannot hang out in churches where they don’t preach and practice true holiness to God.
Your list changes your habits. If you want someone disciplined, you must become disciplined. If you want someone emotionally mature, you must grow emotionally. Jesus said to remove the plank from your own eye before addressing someone else’s (Matthew 7:3–5). Your list should push you to become the kind of person who matches the standard you are praying for. A list is not just about finding the right person—it is about becoming the right person.