Many people assume that if a man is truly born again, lives holy, and fears God, then his marriage will automatically thrive and flourish. But holiness does not replace skill. You can be holy and still be a difficult or unavailable husband. It’s why many men of God, even though they preach, counsel and help other marriages, their home struggle.
For example, they’re often preaching and ministering to others so much, that their wives feel neglected, abandoned, and she feels like she’s the only one in the marriage.
Yes, living a lifestyle of holiness to God is important, awesome and foundational. But you need to also actively learn and practice how to please your wife – as a necessary cherry-on-top. You can love God deeply and still not know how to love a woman well. Holiness is the foundation, not the finish line.
And if you want a strong, healthy, God‑honoring marriage, you must learn how to please your future wife—not in a worldly, manipulative way, but in the biblical, sacrificial, Christlike way God commands.
This is not about “being nice.” It’s about obedience and taking care of who should be the most important human being to you – your wife.
1. First Things First: Only God Can Fill the Deepest Gaps in Both of You
Before you ever think about pleasing a wife, you must understand this: you cannot be her savior, and she cannot be yours. There are places, vacuums, gaps, holes in the human heart that ONLY God can fill.
Jesus explained this to the woman at the well:
“Jesus answered and said to her, ‘Whoever drinks of this water will thirst again, but whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst.
But the water that I shall give him will become in him a fountain of water springing up into everlasting life.’” — John 4:13–14, NKJV
Every human being has a God‑sized thirst. No spouse or marriage can satisfy it. If you expect a woman to fill your emptiness, you will crush her. If she expects you to fill hers, she will drain you.
Both of you must start with holiness—real holiness, not church attendance. A marriage between two people who drink from Christ first is like two full flowing rivers meeting. A marriage where one or both are empty is like two cracked cups trying to hold an ocean.
Holiness is the starting point. But it is not the whole journey.
2. The Bible Commands Husbands and Wives to Please Each Other
Many Christians ignore this, but Scripture is clear:
“Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband.” — 1 Corinthians 7:3, NKJV
And again:
“He who is married cares about… how he may please his wife.” — 1 Corinthians 7:33, NKJV
Pleasing your wife is not weakness. It is express obedience to the Word of God. Holiness does not cancel this instruction. Holiness commands and empowers it.
We now discuss key reasons why it’s important to know how to please your future wife to have a healthy and strong marriage, even if you’re truly born again and live a daily lifestyle of holiness to God.
Reason #1: You Are the Only Man on Earth She Can Righteously Enjoy Sex With
Sex is not a side issue. It is covenant glue.
“Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled.” — Hebrews 13:4, NKJV
You are her only righteous sexual partner. That is a weighty responsibility. Scripture warns husbands not to deprive their wives:
“Do not deprive one another… so that Satan does not tempt you.” — 1 Corinthians 7:5, NKJV
This means you must learn how to satisfy her—not in lust, but in love; not in selfishness, but in service. You cannot be passive or careless about this. You need to do absolutely everything in your human power to make sure she’s fully sexually satisfied in God. Especially since she cannot rightly get it from any other source or person on earth.
Sex is not just physical. It is emotional, spiritual, and covenantal. And you must learn it.
Reason #2: Male and Female Are Different by Design—So Pleasing Her Must Be Learned
God made men and women different on purpose. Different body structures, different anatomies. Different hormones. Different emotional rhythms. Different ways of processing stress, affection, and intimacy.
Scripture says:
“Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding.” — 1 Peter 3:7, NKJV
Understanding does not fall from the sky. You learn it.
Don’t feel ashamed that it doesn’t come naturally. You’re a man. She’s a woman. You are not supposed to instinctively know everything about her. That’s why God commands you to grow in understanding. It’s okay to not know initially, but it’s not okay to refuse to learn and apply.
Think of it like learning how to care for a garden (a woman – your wife) when you grew up around concrete (around boys and men, and people who are not your spouse). Nothing in your background prepared you for it. The soil feels unfamiliar. The tools feel awkward. The timing feels confusing. But if you’re willing to learn—how to water, how to prune, how to protect, how to nourish—what once felt foreign becomes natural. And eventually, the garden flourishes because you learned its language.
Same woman, same marriage, same covenant—just a different skill set you must grow into.
And don’t be frustrated if you don’t get it right. The key thing is coming with an attitude of kindness, gentleness, and willingness to learn. After all, you’ve got a lifetime to learn and apply!
Reason #3: True Love in Marriage Is a Command, Not a Feeling
God didn’t say, “Love her if it feels natural.” He said:
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.” — Ephesians 5:25, NKJV
Christlike love is intentional. It is sacrificial. It is daily. And it is proven in how you treat her, not in how loudly you pray or how much money you make.
If your wife feels unloved, unheard, or unseen, it is not her “sensitivity.” It is your responsibility.
Reason #4: A Pleased Wife Is More Secure, and Secure Hearts Hear God More Clearly
Proverbs says:
“The heart of her husband safely trusts her… She does him good and not evil all the days of her life.” — Proverbs 31:11–12, NKJV
A woman who feels loved and secure becomes a powerful partner. A woman who feels neglected becomes a silent storm.
Unresolved hurt and abandonment is like a fire alarm in the home. You can pray, but the noise will drown out peace.
Reason #5: Your Prayers Can Be Hindered by How You Treat Your Wife
This is one of the most sobering verses in Scripture:
“Husbands… giving honor to the wife… that your prayers may not be hindered.” — 1 Peter 3:7, NKJV
You can fast, preach, and speak in tongues—and still have blocked prayers because of how you treat your wife. God takes this very seriously.
Reason #6: Your Marriage Is a Public Sermon About Christ and the Church
Jesus said:
“By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” — John 13:35, NKJV
Your marriage is not private. It is a witness. People are watching—not to judge you, but because God designed marriage to be a living demonstration of His love.
When a husband loves, serves, protects, and pleases his wife, he is preaching—without a microphone—what Christ is like. When a wife honors and responds to her husband, she is preaching how the Church responds to Christ.
Your marriage is a sermon. Your home is a billboard. Your love is evidence.
A harsh, selfish, inattentive husband lies about Christ. A loving, sacrificial, attentive husband tells the truth about Him.
This is why pleasing your wife is not weakness. It is witness.
Reason #7: Pleasing Your Wife Trains You in Daily Dying to Self
Marriage is one of God’s primary tools for killing selfishness.
“Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.” — Philippians 2:4, NKJV
Learning to please her is not about becoming a slave. It’s about becoming truly Christlike.
Reason #8: A Joyful, Well‑Loved Wife Multiplies Your Calling
God said:
“I will make him a helper comparable to him.” — Genesis 2:18, NKJV
A neglected wife becomes a burden. A loved wife becomes a multiplier.
When she is emotionally full, spiritually steady, and relationally secure, she becomes a powerful ally in your assignment from God. And she goes the extra mile to build you a truly Godly home, even beyond what you know to ask.
So How Do You Actually Learn to Please Her?
Here are a few starting points:
1. Listen on Purpose
Don’t guess. Don’t assume. Don’t listen to respond. Listen to truly listen. To hear what she’s really saying. Don’t project your own logic onto her world. Scripture says:
“Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.” — James 1:19, NKJV
Listening is not waiting for your turn to talk. Or looking to “fix her problems.” Listening is studying her heart.
Ask questions like:
- “What’s weighing on you today?”
- “What would make this week easier for you?”
- “What do you need from me right now?”
- Then follow up with: “what do you mean?”; “tell me more”
Learn to open her up, so she wants to share more and more with you.
You cannot please someone you refuse to hear. You cannot understand someone you never study and patiently listen to. Listening is love in action.
Practical Step: Have some time daily where you remove every distractions (no TV, no phones, etc.) – and you just ask her questions and you listen to her talk. Let the simple actions of her opening and closing her mouth, her gestures, her voice, her inflections – give you joy.
2. Study Her Patterns
Every woman has rhythms—emotional, physical, spiritual, relational. Pay attention.
- What drains her?
- What fills her?
- What makes her feel safe?
- What makes her feel overwhelmed?
- What helps her breathe again?
- What makes her shut down?
Treat her like a person, not a role. Treat her like a soul, not a stereotype. She’s the most important human being to you. Treat her as such.
This is part of “dwelling with understanding” (1 Peter 3:7). A wise husband truly, deeply learns his wife—not to control her, but to love her well.
3. Talk About Sex Honestly
Sex is not dirty. It is not shameful in marriage. It is not optional. Inside marriage, sex is ministry.
Talk about it openly:
- What does she enjoy?
- What makes her feel connected?
- What pace does she need?
- What helps her feel desired, not pressured?
- What helps her relax emotionally before intimacy physically?
You are the only man on earth she can righteously enjoy sexually. That means you must learn her body, her pace, her needs, her desires—with humility, patience, and joy.
Sex is not a performance or duty. It is a gift and a delight to bond you both together. Sex is not about you or your libido. It is about both of you physically and emotionally deeply bonding together, as you honor God in your marriage.
4. Invite God In
You cannot love a woman well without God’s help. You are merely human. She is too complex. Marriage is God’s establishment.
Pray like this:
“Lord, teach me how to love and please this woman You gave me as my wife. Give me understanding. Give me patience. Calm me down. Show me her needs. Show me my blind spots. Make me a husband who trily reflects Christ.”
God will answer that prayer. He designed marriage. He knows her heart. He knows your weaknesses. He knows what both of you need.
Start With God, Then Let God Teach You How to Love Her
Everything begins with Christ. Everything flows from Christ. Everything is sustained by Christ.
Return to John 4: Jesus is the only source of living water. No spouse can be your well. No marriage can be your identity. No relationship can be your salvation.
If you try to love a woman from an empty soul, you will fail her. If you try to please her without God’s strength, you will burn out. If you try to build marriage without Christ, you will build on sand.
If you’re an unbeliever:
Come to Christ first.
You cannot live this life in your own strength. You cannot love like this without a new heart. You cannot build a holy marriage without the Holy Spirit.
Jesus is not an accessory to marriage. He is the foundation of it. Come to Him. Surrender to Him. Let Him make you new.
2. To the believer
Repent where you’ve been “holy” in public but harsh, careless, or passive at home.
God is not impressed by your church attendance if your wife is quietly suffering. God is not moved by your spiritual gifts if your home is spiritually dry. God is not honored by your ministry if your marriage is neglected.
Holiness must reach your home. Holiness must shape your tone. Holiness must transform your habits.
Let God teach you how to love your wife.
Prayer
“Father, make me a man who is holy before You and loving toward my wife. Teach me to listen, to understand, to serve, to protect, and to please her in ways that honor You. Fill me with Your Spirit so I can love with Your strength. Build my future marriage on Christ alone. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”
You cannot please a wife well if you are empty. Drink from Christ first. Let Him fill you. Let Him teach you. Let Him shape you.
And when the time comes, and you get married, love her with the same intentionality, selflessness, humility, and sacrifice that Christ shows you.
Holiness is the foundation. Learning how to please your wife helps you build a great marriage structure on holiness – the true solid rock and foundation.